Christmas After
by CJ Lauren
Summary: Christmas one-shot. ["Shall we start decorating the tree?" Jane infused his voice with false cheer as he abruptly changed the subject. It wasn't quite enough to mask his sadness.]


**Merry Christmas everyone! This story kind of popped in my head earlier today, so I figured I'd post it. It's a bit rough (not much editing) but hopefully it's still okay.  
I imagined it taking place in season two, but it doesn't really matter much. **

**This story is for all the people I miss most at Christmas. **

* * *

Lisbon had finally run out of things to do in the office. Everyone – save one other person – had left to spend the remainder of Christmas Eve with their families. She had no such plans. She had tried to persuade Jane to spend the holiday at her place, but he had declined. She wondered if he was going to go to Malibu, but he hadn't left the attic since disappearing in there just after noon. She would know if he had – she had been keeping an eye out through the window of her office, not wanting to leave before Jane had gone.

Lisbon knew that he was likely up there in order to avoid seeing anyone, but she wanted to check on him; although she understood his desire to be alone, she had a feeling he would be happier if he joined the world of the living. Jane had put on a good show at the office earlier that morning, being the picture of happiness and holiday cheer, but he was nothing if not an excellent actor.

She climbed the stairs up to the attic, and stopped just in front of the door. As she raised her hand to knock, she heard a soft noise coming from the other side. She stopped to listen, and realized that the noise she was hearing was quiet sobs.

She slowly pushed the door open. Jane was hunched over on the cot, with his arms wrapped around himself, as if he was trying to physically hold himself together. His head was bent so Lisbon couldn't see his face, but she could see his shoulders shaking with each ragged breath.

Without saying a word, Lisbon quietly walked over and sat beside him. She pulled him into her arms and gently rubbed her hand in circles on his back. Jane didn't resist; truth be told, this simple act of caring was exactly what he needed. It took some time for Jane's sobs to quiet, but when they did, he didn't pull away. Although he knew he deserved more loneliness and pain than he could ever experience, he was selfish enough to indulge in his desperate desire to be loved.

"Jane?" Lisbon asked. Her voice was gentle and quiet, and helped to calm Jane even though he didn't want to talk.

"Thank you," he muttered, his voice hoarse from crying.

"Please come home with me tonight?"

As much as Jane wanted to, he forced himself to remember his reason for initially turning her down, and he shook his head.

"Why not?" Lisbon asked. She was still holding him in her arms, and he showed no sign of wanting her to leave; she couldn't understand why he wouldn't come with her.

Jane simply shook his head again, not trusting himself to speak any more.

"Jane," Lisbon sighed. "You don't need to be alone."

"Yes, I do," Jane automatically answered, his voice cracking slightly with pent-up emotion.

"Why is that?" Lisbon gently pressed. She continued rubbing his back, and rocked him just a little bit, trying to soothe her troubled friend.

She felt Jane shake his head again, and she sighed deeply. "Jane, what's going on? You don't seem like you want to be alone."

"I don't," he confessed, so quietly that she had to strain to hear his gravelly voice. "But I need to," he added.

"Why?" Lisbon asked, this time with a bit more emphasis on her question.

"It's my fault," Jane whispered. He had no idea how to put his feelings into words, but he hoped Lisbon would understand.

She tightened her grip on him ever so slightly. "Oh, Jane," she murmured, momentarily at a loss for words. "Nobody deserves to be alone," she added, after a short pause. She knew trying to convince him that he was not to blame for Red John's actions wouldn't be helpful, as much as she wanted to make him believe it.

"I do," Jane insisted. He pulled away from Lisbon's warm embrace, and immediately missed the comfort and safety that she provided. But, he had managed to pull himself together enough to put on the mask that he so often lived behind. "Look, I'm fine," he said, his voice still raspy but much stronger than it had been before. "You should get going. It's late."

"No," Lisbon said. "I'm not going anywhere unless you come with me."

She gently pulled his chin to force his gaze to meet hers. "Neither of us is going to spend Christmas alone."

Jane averted his eyes, wishing with all his heart that she hadn't played that card. But of course, he knew, that was exactly why she _had_. "You deserve to be happy for Christmas," he muttered. "I'm…" Jane trailed off; he had just finished trying to tell her that he was fine, and now he was about to admit otherwise in order to convince her that he would ruin her holiday. He was making a very weak argument, and they both knew it.

"Come on," Lisbon said. She put an arm around his shoulders and gently but firmly pulled him to his feet.

* * *

"Do you want some tea?" Lisbon offered, once they had arrived at her place.

"No," Jane shook his head.

"All right," Lisbon said skeptically. She led him into her living room, where a bare tree was sitting. "I was planning on decorating the tree tonight. Do you want to help?"

The pain that flashed in Jane's eyes stopped her dead in her tracks, but it was gone almost as fast as it appeared. "Sure," Jane replied, sounding distracted.

"Jane…what's going on?" Lisbon asked, repeating her earlier question.

"Nothing," he answered automatically. There was a heavy pause as Lisbon studied him carefully.

"It's okay to miss them, you know," she said, a little bit nervously.

Jane was surprised at her directness. "I know."

"Do you?" Lisbon sighed. "And it's okay to let people in…you don't need to miss them all alone. Especially not today."

Jane sunk down onto Lisbon's couch and rested his head in his hands. "Charlotte loved Christmas. It was her favourite time of year."

Lisbon sat down beside Jane and took his hand in hers, forcing him to lift his head. "What would you guys do for the holidays?" She asked.

Jane sighed deeply. "Every Christmas Eve we would bake shortbread cookies, in different Christmas shapes and Charlotte would decorate them. We'd watch a Christmas movie, and then Charlotte would open one present from under the tree. Always a new set of pajamas and a book. She loved to read. We'd set out cookies and milk for Santa – she still believed in Santa – and a bag of carrots for all the reindeer. She insisted that there be enough for all of them because she didn't want anyone to feel left out."

"She sounds like a good kid," Lisbon said quietly.

"She was."

Jane's use of the past tense broke Lisbon's heart. She gently squeezed his hand in a silent show of support.

"I'm sorry, Jane. I don't want to force you to participate in Christmas if it brings back too many memories. But I don't want you to be upset and alone, either."

Jane could tell how much Lisbon wanted to help him feel better, and the reminder that she really, truly cared made him feel a little less miserable.

"I appreciate that, Lisbon. Shall we start decorating the tree?" Jane infused his voice with false cheer as he abruptly changed the subject. It wasn't quite enough to mask his sadness, but Lisbon let it go.

"Sure. I'll get the ornaments."

Lisbon disappeared into her bedroom for a minute, and then emerged carrying two clear plastic storage boxes. She had debated whether or not she wanted to bring out the second box; it was filled with her childhood ornaments. Many of them did nothing but make her miss her mother and yearn for the times when her family was all together. But, she hoped it would help Jane realize that she had some idea of what he was going through, so she bit the bullet and brought them out.

They started with the first box, filled with impersonal red and silver baubles. Jane tried to feel anything other than emptiness, but he was fighting a losing battle. Every so often, Lisbon would stop and give him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, or his hand; a silent gesture of encouragement.

They got through the first box fairly quickly, and it was with some trepidation that Lisbon lifted the lid off of the second box. She was so focused on the box's contents that she didn't notice a small smile briefly appear on Jane's face as he saw what was inside.

"These are nice," he said quietly; now it was his turn to give Lisbon a bit of encouragement. He watched as she lifted a small picture frame ornament from the box; the year 1983 was written on the bottom in gold glitter.

Lisbon bit her lip to keep her emotions in check. She glanced at Jane's face, and was pleased to see that he seemed more alive than he had all night. She passed the ornament to him, to give him a closer look.

Jane's face split into a wide, genuine grin as he studied the photo of the Lisbon family. He knew from the date that this would have been the last Christmas that they all spent together, and understood why this particular ornament would be difficult for his friend to look at.

"Nice hair, Lisbon," Jane teased. He managed to elicit a smile from her, which made his whole face light up with pleasure. He handed the ornament back to her. "You should hang this one up."

Lisbon furrowed her brow slightly in concentration, as she tried to select the perfect place on the tree. Finally, she placed it on a branch about a foot from the top, in a place of prominence.

By the time they had finished with the second box of ornaments, Jane's mood had lightened considerably. As Lisbon had hoped, he was so focused on making sure she was happy that his efforts had a positive effect on himself as well.

"Do you want some wine? I have a nice Riesling," Lisbon asked, as they stood back to admire their tree.

"Sure," Jane smiled.

While Lisbon was getting the wine, Jane settled himself on her couch and started flipping through channels to find a Christmas movie. He quickly found _It's A Wonderful Life_.

"Find anything?" Lisbon asked, as she returned with their wine.

"_It's A Wonderful Life_ is on. What do you think?"

"I love that movie! But I watched it yesterday," Lisbon grinned.

Jane began flipping through channels again. "I'll see what else is on."

The next Christmas movie he found was _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_. "How about this one?" Jane asked.

Lisbon turned to face him, about to tease him for his childish choice, but something in his eyes stopped her. He was almost transfixed by the images on the screen, but she suspected he was seeing something completely different. "Sure," Lisbon agreed softly.

They watched in silence, but at the first commercial, Jane whispered, "I remember taking Charlotte to see this in theatres, when it first came out."

"Yeah?" Lisbon smiled at him.

"I miss hearing her laugh," Jane admitted. "Seeing her face light up."

Lisbon didn't know what to say, so instead she gave him a gentle hug.

"Thank you, Lisbon. For making me come with you tonight. I'm glad neither of us is alone," Jane said.

"Me too," she said with a smile.

As they watched the movie, Jane felt himself finally relax. He still felt a twinge of guilt, celebrating the holiday without his wife and daughter and not being miserable. He didn't think the guilt would ever really go away, but he really hoped that he would be able to enjoy more holidays like this one.


End file.
